Wednesday, August 16, 2006

I feel Less than I do now
than I did before when
I felt more than I did then
than I had before

Mornings like this bum me out or, more accurately, I start mornings like this already bummed out. I just awake and immediately know that the spark isn't there. It might ignite in a minute, an hour or not at all this day. It is beautiful out. The sun is up and the air is still cool...and I have no plans.

I might end up paddling one of my boats on one of the bodies of waters around here just to do something and to avoid going raving mad. There was a time that I would always have a book that I was reading and would take these times to sit with it. Lately, however, I have started and abandoned a bunch of novels because they didn't capture and/or hold my interest (exception: Koontz"s Odd Thomas). Actually, they seemed frivilous and contrived. Maybe I've seen too much and find it hard to be impressed or amazed by some fictional character's contrived plot.

I finally slept well, and I know I am dreaming (that's healthy). I am not depressed, although I do have a thing or two weighing on my mind.

Another thing I would sometimes do on days such as this is photography...and I do have some things I want to shoot. Problem is that the sun is out, and bright sunlight is the worst light for the way I shoot.

A niced gloomy day is great for impersonal shots like a train axel that lives in a dirty place and does a thankless job, yet its very image speaks of power.

Or making the rapids down river a little abstract and moody and remembering the Zen book, You can't step into the same river twice.

Or the gnarly banya tree that lives in the shallow sandy land of Florida, looks strong but, like all life, gets blown over easily.

I remember, too, of writing here once about how I sometimes know things, like when someone is going to die. So it was the day I took this picture of my friend Ben. I had gone to his little home on the point to do some kayaking. I don't know why I had my camera along. I looked at him and knew. I asked to photograph him. In the next several months he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer and died not long afterwards. He was a good man.

Oddly enough, I feel better for having written this and having shared some of these images with you. Perhaps it is just getting the juices flowing. Maybe it is getting back in touch with something outside myself. Maybe it is playing the pity card only to be trumped by the you-know-you-love-life card. No matter, I feel okay now and am ready to get into whatever it is I am getting into today.

In case I've ended up bumming you out, I will leave you with the classical feel-good puppy picture (belongs to the girl next door).

(Sorry...and too freakin' bad. Old blogspot won't upload a Gif image. Now I feel bummed again).

Oh well,

Paddle safe



JohnB said...

Great photos, I feel better for having seen them. . .Thanks!

Listening to the wxfx for today last evening, I thought seriously about today being a mental health day. . .then we could paddle together on one of these wonderful lakes we have here.

Unfortunately, I didn't send the email that would have put me out of the office today. Now that I'm here, and after reading your blog, I'm very disappointed that I didn't follow through.

If you are passing through and want coffee (or a glass of wine), give me a call.

I'm doing a blog update today too!!!

derrick said...

ahhhhh, I know these days well. . somehow if I can drag my hide somewhere else, anywhere things often begin to level out. :)