W.I.M.P.

A New Syndrome

The name is a bit misleading as this recently described condition applies to more than its nomenclature would infer. Where Is My Paddle is actually far more complex a condition than its name implies. Yes, it was originally described in 1998 after a group of vandals snuck up on a kayak expedition that was camping on Jones Island in Milwaukee and cut all the participant's paddle leashes. During a storm that occurred on the very next day, every paddler lost his or her paddle. That first epidemic of WIMPS was documented in the next Journal of the American Medical Association (Vol X, p1112-3098). Since then, the name has come to describe a variety of sad conditions in which the paddler exhibits certain symptoms.

To make the diagnosis, the patient-paddler (P-P) needs to exhibit 2 major criteria or one major and two minor criteria. Major criteria include a lost look on the P-P's face, mumbling aloud to one's self and repeatedly checking one's pockets as if looking for something that has been lost. Minor criteria include intermittent weeping, scanning the horizon (this can even occur indoors...but I digress) and suddenly and audibly shouting aloud, "I'm up a creek. Now what will I do?"

Since it's inception, the WIMP syndrome has now been described in paddlers who have lost their charts during circumnavigations of islands (even though all they need to do is keep the damn land on the same side of the boat as they go around). There have also been reports of the syndrome in those tapped out after spending all their disposable income at a trade show and realizing they don't have cab fair to get home. Time appears to be the only therapy available at this time. Anecdotal reports indicate that staying off the water and getting a job only slows the process of healing.

The picture? Oh, that's Bob Bertrand from Milwaukee. He's just tired.

Paddle safe...

DS